Essence ~ Sheryl Lowe

Boundaries, for me has been a life-long challenge. I’m a Gen X. I have known I need them but not known how to enforce them or why I had trouble enforcing them. They were not modeled to me by my mother.

Boundaries are made harder if you are wrapped up in a trauma bond. Usually you wouldn’t even know you are in a trauma bond unless you have had years of therapy or self awareness from exploring psychology. You might stumble on an occasional encounter where you set a boundary accidently out of complete frustration or resignation but continue to be baffled about how to maintain healthy boundaries on an ongoing basis.

I think most women in the following generations are affected by a generational trauma bond to men- The Silent Generation – born 1928-1945. …The Baby Boomer Generation – born 1946-1964 and Generation X – born 1965-1980. Women were taught to be subservient to men and their role as housewife or daughter to please the man has kept women’s voices dampened. Even very intelligent women with highly respected careers go home to a domineering husband.

Feminist theory argues that certain traumas are produced and maintained by institutionalized discrimination and social hierarchies. Common symptoms of intergenerational trauma include low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, insomnia, anger, and self-destructive behaviors.

How to learn how to have boundaries

The most powerful practice that has helped me (and it has taken me years and years to discover this) is a self love practice. WIthout self love we let others walk all over us and get away with ‘deal breakers’ in relationships because we love them. We possibly think a boundary will make them love us less. We think we are being loving by letting them have their way even if it violates what we are comfortable with. We get ‘used to it’. We get used to the habits that turn us off and try to focus on whats good about them. We get used to being yelled at or spoken to like a child. We get used to not having a voice in the bedroom and accept crumbs of intimacy and savour them like gold always yearning for more.

We don’t like the smoking so we voice it. We don’t like the mess so we voice it. We need help in the kitchen so we voice it and all our ‘voicing it’ gets turned into “don’t be a nag”.

Voicing our boundaries is tough. Some say we haven’t set a boundary until we have voiced it, but what if ‘voicing it’ doesn’t work?

Voicing what we do or don’t want still gives the other person control of the situation. We can not control the other, we can ultimately only control our own reactions and actions. Actions speak louder than words, I’m sure you have heard that one.

Our fear of not being loved keeps us quiet and keeps us ‘putting up with it’. Our fear of rejections and loss silences us even in the face of abuse. Especially in the face of abuse. Abuse obliviates self love and creates dependency. Abuse creates trauma bonds. Even very mild subtle abuse, the gaslighting kind that can go undetected because it is as invisible as gas.

We become trained very well in ‘behaving a certain way. The dogmas and beliefs that are passed down from our mothers and grandmothers become deeply engrained within us…. generational trauma bonds.

Women take on their role that suits them best as care-giver and nurturer, healer and we become very adept at loving and caring for others. We put others first especially as mothers and grandmothers. We are not taught self love.

We are taught self grooming, but who is this grooming for? We need to look good, we need to stay trim, we need to dress well and have our makeup perfect but who is that all for? Yes grooming is self respect unless it comes from the need to look good for others. Has your partner ever commented something like “you aren’t wearing that tonight are you?”. How did that make you feel? What was their motive? Are they concerned about you or how they look with you? It doesn’t sound like unconditional love to me,

Unconditional love! Yes we are taught that unconditional love is the ultimate love but is it really or does it just lead you deeper into a trauma bond so unbreakable the relationship eventually makes you ill. Unconditional love is the ultimate but only for yourself. Unconditional love is exactly what you need to give yourself and only yourself. We were not taught that by our mothers. They didn’t know how.

How to we get to a Place of Unconditional Love?

I think this is a life long practice that must begin with forgiving yourself for all the things you hold against yourself. Women can be so hard on themselves for not being good enough. We hold the smallest thing against ourself and carry it for the rest of our life. The time we didn’t show up for the sick friend, the boss we let down, the boyfriend we dumped then spiralled into depression.

More women are empaths. It’s in our biological nature. We punish ourselves when we perceive we have hurt or harmed another.

In 2012 two radio announcers made a Royal prank call that led to the suicide of nurse Jacintha Saldanha. 11 years on, Mel Greig ended up with PTSD and struggling with suicidal thoughts herself where as her colleague Mike Christian who participated in the prank call was able to return to work in the industry 3 years after the incident,

This is a clear example of how men and women are programmed to respond differently to the exact same situation. Mel Greig spiralled down into self effacing depression whereas Mike Christian was able to return as a radio announcer only 3 years later. Women are more likely take on others pain and hold things against themselves.

We must forgive ourselves. We must let go of feeling responsible for everyone else’s unhappiness. We must let go of ‘not upsetting others’ when we are the ones being upset by others actions. We are hesitant to rock the boat or speak up incase we upset the neighbours by complaining about their dogs barking all day disturbing our peace. We honour others boundaries over and above our own needs and boundaries.

So the first step for loving ourselves completely deeply and wholly is to let go of all the things we are holding against ourselves. Forgive ourselves. This can be done by writing a letter to ourself. Write for 20 minutes all the things that you are holding against yourself and need to forgive yourself for.

Read and read it until you feel a shift.

Then destroy it.

You may need to repeat this a few times, as many times as it takes.

After we have done this we need to put into place self love practices, transformational self pleasure practices.

Write a love letter to your body. Set a timer for 20 minutes. This is not as easy as it sounds.

Listen to self love meditations. Here is one I have prepared for you earlier. The Truth of Love, Love Yourself to Sleep.

We will find it hard to set boundaries when we don’t know how to love ourselves. This is the foundation of all boundaries. Ask the question, “what would I do and how would I react/ respond to this situation IF I loved myself deeply and completely?

A few more questions to ask yourself:

• “What fresh start do I want, or what do I want to start a fresh on?
• “What do I want to draw a line in the sand with?”
• “What old patterns do I want to leave behind?”
• “What do I not want to bring forward into this new chapter?”

How do Somatics help with Boundaries?

Tune into your body for sensations that indicate you need to set a boundary with a person. Often when there is a trauma bond we override these sensations. This subject will open up a whole new discussion so more on Somatics in the next blog. Until then, focus on you, focus on pleasure as your practice of self love. Love yourself like your life depends on it, because it does.